Getting Back on Track!

I know it has been way to long since I have updated my blog. Sham on me! =]...
The last couple months I have been struggling to loose weight. I have been stuck at the same number for 4 months! It's so frustrating and at times very discouraging. But there is no way I am letting this weight win, and continue to control my life. I have done a lot of soul searching,reading and research the past couple of months and I really feel like I am now on the right track...mentally and physically for the first time EVER in my life. I am come to the realization that eating is a complete addiction for me. I am a FOOD ADDICT. Just saying those words out loud crushed me. I am ashamed that I have let food control my life for so long. I have let food hold me back in every aspect of my life. Literally.
As I came to this realization I had so many questions, my biggest being how can I STOP EATING??? Well I can't! You need food to live and to have energy and to stay healthy! Keyword being healthy. I needed to figure out why I would eat the way I do. Why I feel the need to eat even when I know I am not hungry, or eat so much I make myself sick, or eat when I am board....there had to be answers to these questions. Come to find out no book ,no doctor no parent could answer any of these questions for me...I had to answer them. I had to really dig deep and figure out what goes on in my head and body when I decide to take a piece of cake when I just had 2 cookies? Why am I so happy for those couple of bites? I swear eating chocolate is like crack to a crack addict. It gave me an instant high then are horrible low....meaning the guilt that set in right after I ate it.
Why would I continue to do this to myself? Why would I allow food to control my mind and body the way it has? I had to dig really deep into emotions and memories I had put very far into the back of my mind. I needed to face all of these demons head on... I can't keep eating and putting them further and further away. Eating didn't make those memories go away...it just numbed me. I refuse to go another day being numb and not experiencing every aspect of my life.
I have to feel those emotions and think of those memories to be able to figure out what I have done to myself and NOW to be at peace with them. I know I have a long way to go, but waking up this morning and knowing that I have full control over my body and my life is the most empowering and motivating feeling I have ever experienced. The funny thing is...I ate breakfast and lunch( both very healthy and proportioned meals) and have not snacked or even had the desire to. By this time in the day I have already been on at least 5 or 6 guilt trips.
More to come soon! Promise!It's the best feeling in the world to feel free.

LETTING GO

I don't want you to try to talk another person intostaying with you, loving you, calling you, caringabout you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.I mean hang up the phone.When people can walk away from you let them walk.Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.People leave you because they are not joined to you.And if they are not joined to you, you can't make themstay. Let them go.And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, itjust means that their part in the story is over. Andyou've got to know when people's part in your story isover so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to knowwhen it's over. Let me tell you something.If you are holding on to something that doesn't belongto you and was never intended for your life, then youneed to ..LET IT GO!!!If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!If someone can't treat you right, love you back, andsee your worth...LET IT GO!!!If someone has angered you ...LET IT GO!!!If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil andrevenge .LET IT GO!!!If you are involved in a wrong relationship oraddiction ...LET IT GO!!!If you are holding on to a job that no longer meetsyour needs or talents ..LET IT GO!!!If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!If you keep judging others to make yourself feelbetter...LET IT GO!!!If you're stuck in the pastLET IT GO!!!If you are struggling with the healing of a brokenrelationship......LET IT GO!!!If you keep trying to help someone who won't eventry to help themselves..LET IT GO!!!If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....LET IT GO!!!Let the past be the past.Forget the former things.LETTING GO TAKES LOVETo let go does not mean to stop caring,it means I can't do it for someone else.To let go is not to cut myself off,it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,but allow learning from natural consequences.To let go is to admit powerlessness, which meansthe outcome is not in my hands.To let go is not to try to change or blame another,it's to make the most of myself.To let go is not to care for,but to care about.To let go is not to fix,but to be supportive.To let go is not to judge,but to allow another to be a human being.To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,but to allow others to affect their destinies.To let go is not to be protective,it's to permit another to face reality.To let go is not to deny,but to accept.To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,but to try to become what I dream I can be.To let go is not to regret the past,but to grow and live for the future.To let go is to fear less and love moreRemember: The time to love is short

Latest Update

Wow it has been wayyyyy to long since I have last updated. Well the last two or three months have been a little crazy. Lots of up's and down's. I know this was a summer is a summer I will never forget. I feel like I have grown a lot and I learned ALOT about myself. First off the trip to New York was amazing. By far one of the best weeks of my life. I went with two really close friends Mary and Lauren, the trip was not only amazing but brought the three of us much closer together. I had forgotten what a true friendship was up until that trip. So that trip in general was a huge positive!
I had a little summer fling, which was also a learning experience. We dated for about 2 1/2 months to long =]. It was doomed from the beginning haha. I did walk away with a little bit of a broken heart but nothing major. I basically came to the conclusion that...if I am not happy with myself how can I be happy with a man? I don't just mean physically I mean mentally emotionally spiritually. All of that. I need be happy with myself before I can even think about giving any part of myself to a man. So that is what I am working on now. I have been writing in my journal daily, I also started a food journal which has really helped. I am working out at between a 3- and 60 minutes a day and last but not least I have decided to become vegan. I am about three days in and I feel WONDERFUL! My body already feels so much healthier and more energetic. Of course this is going to be a hard process but I am determined to conquer this.
I have decided that for the next 90days I will be on a stick no men, no sex no alcohol and no parties. I need to really focus on my future and what matters. This will let me focus on ME. Nothing and no one else but ME. I am hoping to really be able to figure myself out and fix some of my physical and emotional flaws. I have been saying my daily affirmations and I really hoping by the end of these 90 days I will be saying them and whole hearted believing them. Just saying them makes me feel better so I know it's making some sort of difference.
Anyway I am almost down 100 lbs. I have about 2lbs to go and I will have hit 100! It is so crazy for me to think that I have lost that much weight! I am hoping now that I am in this healthy lifestyle the next 50 or 60 with just fly off. =]
The biggest lesson I have learned this summer is, what doesn't kill you only makes your stronger. And I am getting stronger everyday =]
I'll update again soon!
xoxo
Amanda

80lbs DOWN

FEEL AMAZING! This week has been crazy my grandparents are in town and I started summer school! UGH! I wish things could just slow down! haha but everything is good and I feel great! update again soon!

Update....

Man I love summer! It's so nice to wake up and feel the sun shining on you! I love it!! So lots of things have happened the past couple of weeks. I feel my life if FINALLY back on track and heading in a great direction!
I am going back to the hospital to volunteer, which I am very excited about. I am hoping by getting back into that endowment I will be able to network and meet lots of people, hopefully open some door.
I am re-taking my EMT class to get re certified, that way I can go apply with a couple of companies and hopefully a couple hospitals to work as an ER tech. It would be great to get some hands on experience before I transfer.
Speaking of school...I just started my summer classes =[ ugh not fun at all but I am glad by the end of the summer I will have between 9 and 12 credits out of the way. I decided to wait until spring to transfer to Holy Names. I figure I could use the extra couple of months to work save money and get a couple more credits at CC before I make the move. It's a very expensive school, so the more credits I can get at CC the better I am when I transfer.
I am also looking into a couple abroad programs, why not travel as much of the world as you can and get credit for it right? =] So I am hoping with after this summer session I can seriously look into those programs. It's amazing how many great opportunities come your way when you stay focused in school. NEVER thought that would happen =]
OH and more exciting news....I am going to New York in July with two girlfriends. It's going to be AMAZING I can't wait! It's going to be such a great get a way. Plus I have said since I was young that I was born to be on the east coast. I love everything about it. The people the atmosphere EVERYTHING. So I am very excited about that.
I told myself I want to be as close to 199 as possible before this trip. I am currently 225! So I am around 70lbs down.
I started working out hard this week and plan to keep it up until NY rolls around. I have been doing an hour work out in the afternoon and trying to do between 30 and 40 laps in the pool at night. I am slowly starting to feel the difference in my body. I can finally see things getting smaller and looking better so i feel really good about that.
My grandparents are coming in next weekend from MO so I am very excited about that as well. I haven't seen them in about 2 years. So it's a much needed visit for me and my parents.
SO I have to say overall, I am very happy at this point in time. I feel really motivated and focused. And above everything i feel extremely blesses to be surrounded by my supportive family and friends. I'll update again soon!

xoxo
Amanda

THOUGHTS

 So I am 60 lbs down and I feel great. I am noticing that now I can eat without hurting as much. I only hurt or get sick if I eat to quick or take to big of bites. So I am trying to really slow down with everything. I am also getting back to working out starting tonight. I am going to start getting back into my morning and evening routine. I really want to get toned and keep things as tight as possible. 

 I can't wait for school to be over. Well I mean this semester. I am ready for a little break. I am really hoping this summer session will be my last at DVC. I just want to start my life already! I feel like I am kind of getting stuck again. I know I am doing everything to get myself where I need to be but at the same time I can almost feel time flying by me. It's weird, hard to explain. Anyway I am getting back into therapy and that always seems to help get me in the right mind set and helps me stay positive so I am happy about that. Okay i'll update again soon! =]

60LBS DOWN!

JUST HIT 60LBS!!!!!!! I am so excited and feeling WONDERFUL!!!! I am starting to feel really comfortable in my own skin, it's still going to take a while to be fully there but inch by inch "literally" I am getting there! I am almost 3months out FYI =]