Friday, May 28, 2010

Getting Back on Track!

I know it has been way to long since I have updated my blog. Sham on me! =]...
The last couple months I have been struggling to loose weight. I have been stuck at the same number for 4 months! It's so frustrating and at times very discouraging. But there is no way I am letting this weight win, and continue to control my life. I have done a lot of soul searching,reading and research the past couple of months and I really feel like I am now on the right track...mentally and physically for the first time EVER in my life. I am come to the realization that eating is a complete addiction for me. I am a FOOD ADDICT. Just saying those words out loud crushed me. I am ashamed that I have let food control my life for so long. I have let food hold me back in every aspect of my life. Literally.
As I came to this realization I had so many questions, my biggest being how can I STOP EATING??? Well I can't! You need food to live and to have energy and to stay healthy! Keyword being healthy. I needed to figure out why I would eat the way I do. Why I feel the need to eat even when I know I am not hungry, or eat so much I make myself sick, or eat when I am board....there had to be answers to these questions. Come to find out no book ,no doctor no parent could answer any of these questions for me...I had to answer them. I had to really dig deep and figure out what goes on in my head and body when I decide to take a piece of cake when I just had 2 cookies? Why am I so happy for those couple of bites? I swear eating chocolate is like crack to a crack addict. It gave me an instant high then are horrible low....meaning the guilt that set in right after I ate it.
Why would I continue to do this to myself? Why would I allow food to control my mind and body the way it has? I had to dig really deep into emotions and memories I had put very far into the back of my mind. I needed to face all of these demons head on... I can't keep eating and putting them further and further away. Eating didn't make those memories go just numbed me. I refuse to go another day being numb and not experiencing every aspect of my life.
I have to feel those emotions and think of those memories to be able to figure out what I have done to myself and NOW to be at peace with them. I know I have a long way to go, but waking up this morning and knowing that I have full control over my body and my life is the most empowering and motivating feeling I have ever experienced. The funny thing is...I ate breakfast and lunch( both very healthy and proportioned meals) and have not snacked or even had the desire to. By this time in the day I have already been on at least 5 or 6 guilt trips.
More to come soon! Promise!It's the best feeling in the world to feel free.